I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize