I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
