Your mouth is God's brothel.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.