I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Randomize
