I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Randomize
