I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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