she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
