You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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