My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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