we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
