for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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