Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
