I could make wine with my vomit
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
It was confusing and full of hummus
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"