I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
30 People Reveal The Moment They Realized: ‘Oh Sh*t, I’m An A**hole’
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
30 Tiny Celebrity Tattoos You’ll Want To Run Out And Copy ASAP
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
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