just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
When did we convert life to cartoon?
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Randomize
