i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
