getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Randomize
