Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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