He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
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Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
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I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.