Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
At least life still wants to fuck me.