ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
