Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
