sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Dicks are not precious.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
