What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
