census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
