fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
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she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
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