i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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