I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Also, beer. Big fan.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Randomize
