those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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