Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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