can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
