But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
