he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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