I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
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The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
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He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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