News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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