She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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