Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
You ate ashes out of my bong
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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