Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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