I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
