My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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