I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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