Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
