you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
