2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
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