Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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