Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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