I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
