He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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