Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
