My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Randomize
