I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
