you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
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I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
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Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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