Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I enjoy the company of your penis
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
