i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
