If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
