Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
