I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
