Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
