ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
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He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
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I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
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