i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
